How do I get rid of feelings that I may never be good enough for somebody else?

Quick Question: I lost my boyfriend to a suicide almost 1 year ago & I'm now seeing sombody else. I know my boyfriend loved me but can't help to think & feel that I was not enough to make him happy enough to stay in this world and so now I can't help but feel that I will never make anybody happy and/or be good enough for somebody else. How do I get rid of those feelings?

Quick Answer: First of all, my condolences to you for your loss. I can only imagine that you still miss him and grieve his death. At the same time, his death must also affect your new relationship in profound ways.

My standard answer is to seek professional help, teasing through all the pieces of insecurity that are intensified after a suicide. Likely, you have your insecurities about your ability to love or to be "good enough" that all of us have, but on top of that you have to deal with feelings that if you had just been good enough, or if you had just been loving enough, your boyfriend would have chosen not to take his life.

A good therapist will keep reminding you to consider that this last part is a myth. A suicidal person who does not seek professional intervention will likely make a suicide attempt because of his own sense of hopelessness and despair. He can only borrow the function of another person for so long. You could of -- and very likely are - been absolutely loving and nurturing, and yet he still could have - and did - taken his own life. Therapy can also involve your new boyfriend, and the sessions can help him become a part of working through your feelings without him needing to solve them.

Part of what will help is to evaluate benchmarks: that is, go back in your history with various people (family, friends, and boyfriends) and name the times you have demonstrated love. Recall also how that love was positively received. I bet you can think of times when you know you are a loving human being. Do the same thing towards benchmarks of being good, and how that was received by yourself and others. Benchmarks will help you have a more realistic view of your abilities, so when the feelings come up, you can sort through them with a sense of reality.

Feelings are like ocean waves. They peak and trough, but you notice that they aren't going to swamp you. When you have these feelings, look for validation for what may be really true -- that you are worried about your present relationship and all the thrills and fears that come with it, especially if you are feeling happy with the relationship.

Finally, talk to your boyfriend about these feelings, asking that he just listen and not have to soothe your feelings for you. If he's in the right space to do this, he can reflect your feelings back to you and give you feedback on how he perceives your ability to love and to be good enough.

Good luck.

Quick Question Lady

I struggle with depression, but I don't like anti-depressant medication.

Hi Folks, thanks for checking in on my blog, Quick Question Consult. I've been away and then dropped into a ton of things that begged for my attention, but here's a post for you!

Quick Question: I struggle with chronic depression, but I don't like anti-depressants. I'm not even convinced that they work beyond the placebo effect. What are effective alternatives?

Quick Answer: I haven't had a single client in 10 years who hasn't wanted to either stop taking their anti-depressant medication, or hasn't had major reservations about trying them. In my experience, the selection and dosing of psychotropic medications can appear to be more of an art than a science. Check out this article that a friend recently sent me:

http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2008/09/30/best-kept-secret-for-treating-depression.aspx

In the article, this doctor reiterates what I've been telling my clients for years: exercise is one of the most effective ways to treat depression. Along with other elements of treatment (psychotherapy, Omega 3 fatty acids, vitamins like Vitamin D and sunlight exposure, good nutrition and adequate rest), exercise is a vital component of what I advocate for those who are depressed.

The problem is, most depressed people complain that they can't find the energy to get up and go to the gym. So I make it simple. "Can you turn on the radio or your favorite vigorous and upbeat CD, and dance around your room while you dress, make your breakfast, or get ready for work?" Even 10 minutes of movement to happy music can make you feel better by increasing seratonin production and uptake, elevating mood with a flood of endorphins, and increasing your respirations so you are oxygenating properly (in the yoga world, we refer to this as pranyama).

My favorite way to beat the blues is to dance to a beat. If you can't find the energy or the will, let the music find it for you. Put the CD on and let the music lend you the will to move around.

Of course, it's always sensible to check in with your doctor before engaging in any exercise program. Music and dance is just one of those things that is accessible to everyone, and you'll find you have less excuses if you give yourself permission to engage in kitchen and living room dancing.

Good luck!

Quick Question Lady