What are some healthy ways to move on after a breakup?

Quick Question: What are some healthy ways to move on and let go after a breakup?

Especially if you're having trouble (after over 6 months) moving on
and letting go.

Quick Question Lady Answers:  First of all, let me say that I think breakups are really really tough. Almost all of our problems can be traced to some kind of relational break, and feelings of abandonment, loneliness, and insecurity about our ability to love and be loved can cause us to shake down to the bone. For whatever your circumstances, my heart goes out to you.

Since you asked for some healthy ways to move on and let go after a breakup, I'm going to put my "coaching" hat on and give you some tips from my toolbox for after the break up, plus a time line to see if it's time for something a little more "ramped up" in your "moving on" phase.

1. Revisit. Try listing the good qualities of the relationship that ended 6 months or more ago. Moving on requires "moving through", which is an invitation not to forget, but to remember well. 

2. Reframe. After you've revisited both pleasant and painful (because it's absence) memories about the relationship, it's time to see if you can reframe some of those memories. For example, if one of the things you loved about this relationship was having someone to share things with, you could reframe that to say that sharing things with yourself first could also be positive. How many times are we so busy, we forget to sit back and truly enjoy something with our full presence?  Or, if another thing you loved was cuddling up at night, try reframing it to say you know you're a person who enjoys being cuddled and giving a cuddle. These are important benchmarks for you to be able to take with you as you move from one status (with the person) to another (without). 

3. Recreate. Often what happens after a break up is a period of time where life just feels like a bitch: you can't even go to your favorite coffee shop without getting misty-eyed about the last time you were with that person, laughing over some stupid thing. It helps to name the kinds of activities that have dropped out of your life and to begin inserting them back in, with new people and old friends, new life and a different perspective. After a break up, consider either reviving an old hobby you love, or getting into a new one. See if you can't get back in touch with parts of you that may have been kicked to the curb because of the relationship itself or the period just after it ended. 

Recreate also means recreation, as in move your body around.  I will often tell my clients after a break up to try to get a bit more active by bicycling, taking walks, dancing, running, swimming, or taking a fitness class. The endorphins help with mood elevation, and the activity gives you a different perspective -- literally, you are MOVING, and thus moving through the break up. 

4. I don't have another R for this one, except maybe Rest. Specifically, rest from the dating world. The longer the length of the relationship, the longer I advocate a rest from dating and more importantly, from starting any serious romantic relationships. Otherwise, you'll simply tend to bring your unresolved issues to another relationship. I know what people say: "jump on the bandwagon" or "get out there again". But there's something to be said for taking some time out, clearing your headspace and heartspace, and doing whatever you need to do to feel good about yourself and to make room in your life for another person...when it's the right time for you. Free yourself from the pressure to jump into another relationship too quickly. I would count sexual encounters too. Usually, they are never much a good reaction to a break up, although I'm sure we all fantasize about it. :)

5. To let go: Redeem. Redemption in a non-moral category is purchasing back something of value. Letting go could look like taking prized momentos, pictures, gifts, cards etc and placing them in a gift box. Say good-bye, and silently thank the person for the good moments. If there is a lot of anger, acknowledge that too. Close and tape up the box, and put somewhere you can't get into easily (attic, storage, etc). When 6 more months or more go by, you can choose to either keep the box as it is, unopened, open it again if you need to, or toss the box if that's what needs to happen. Visit places you used to go to with the person, and say thank you and good-bye for now. If you were not given an opportunity to say anything to the person in response to the break up, write a response in an email and DO NOT SEND IT. Or, let a friend read and keep it for you. Sometimes, just the effect of writing the letter is catharsis enough. If the person is no longer living, you can do what is called "The Empty Chair" exercise, where you imagine the person is in a chair sitting in a room, and you talk to the person as if they are there. Again, catharsis like this helps you let go of that person and the sadness or anger that you feel. 

If you notice that you are moving into a more deep depression or sense of "stuckness", I would highly recommend talking to a professional and delving into a more specific plan about how to get yourself unstuck. 

Best of luck to you, and come back and post and let us know (anonymously) how you're doing. 

Quick Question Lady

Support groups for families of depressive people

Quick Question: Is there such a thing as a support group for people with severely depressed people in their families? Kind of like Alanon for mental illness? 

Question Question Lady Answer:  Yes! Just a sample you can find through the Web by searching "depression support groups for families"

http://www.familyaware.org/resources/supportgroups.php

http://www.healthcentral.com/depression/support-groups.html

Each has a link to where you can find a local or a web-based support group. 

I would also check the website of your local hospital. Many of them have on-going support groups or facilitated therapy groups on a variety of topics, including depression, grief and bereavement, and transitions.

Additionally, your community center, church or synagogue may also have local support groups for families with a depressed individual. 

Let me know if you find what you're looking for.

Quick Question Lady

How do I post to this blog?

Well... duh, I didn't quite explain how this works.

If you would like to post to this blog, send an email to 

imeis_sdc@yahoo.com  (please do NOT use your real name in your email)

and you can type your question. I simply take the question and paste it into the next blog entry, along with my answer. Your name or any identifying information will be removed from the email before it is posted. 

If you want to do this anonymously, you can use a different screen name. Again, DO NOT use your real name unless you want the world to know it's you.  I will later try to add a separate page where you can post directly and anonymously, but for now, I wish to moderate the questions so you get some diversity of subjects.

And remember, your question needs to be 100 words or less. Don't give me lots of detailed background. It's a quick question, and a quick answer.

The Quick Question Lady

How do I know if someone is depressed?

Quick Question: How do I know if someone is depressed?

Last night I spent a good hour on the phone for a online newspaper interview on the subject of suicide and job loss. Crisis line calls have been up 20% in February 2009, and suicide rates traditionally rise as unemployment rises. 

Among other things, I talked about how not everyone who experiences a job loss is at risk for suicide. One of the most important factors to assess in someone is the degree of depression or depressed mood s/he is experiencing, whether their mood is related to a job loss or anything else. 

So I don't have to reinvent the wheel, here's a quick link to Dr. Oz (think Oprah's celebrity doctor) on the five prominent symptoms of clinical depression: 

http://www.oprah.com/article/oprahshow/20090305-tows-oz-depression-signs

I'm adding my two cents on the other "red flag" factors that co-workers, friends, and family can look for when someone appears to be depressed and may be at risk for suicide.

1) Sending you a message. These are obvious, such as giving away possessions, and making jokes like, "You'll miss me when I'm gone." There also may be some erratic attempts to connect with people to help them overcome their ambivalence and either further their depression OR give them hope to keep living. 

2) Having a plan to carry out a suicide. You must ask the person, even if their message is followed by, "I'm just kidding", whether or not they have thought of a plan to take their own life. Don't be afraid to ask upfront about this, and be careful not to joke about this. 

3) Ambivalence towards living or dying. A suicidal person is struggling with thoughts of deep despair against thoughts of the struggle they would need to face to survive whatever painful situations they face. If ambivalence is overcome, the risk for suicide is very high.

4) Support. Is the person talking to anyone, i.e. a friend, professional, clergy, partner, etc? Is s/he withdrawing from social activities?

5) What is the level of shame this person is feeling? The higher the experience of shame, the more likely a person will seek more desperate means of reducing that shame, including suicide or homicide.

6) Sudden euphoria. When a person who is depressed experiences sudden euphoria, this could be a sign that the person has made a decision to end his/her life, and the relief of that thought gets translated as almost a giddiness and lightness of being as s/he throws herself into planning the end of pain.

If you or someone you know is experiencing this kind of depression, do yourself a favor. Seek professional help early, and don't wait to see if this will blow over. With professional help, many people can stave off a serious bout of depression, recover, and build new skills to weather difficult times. 

www.seattledirectcounseling.com