What do you think about someone who says he/she wants to change?

Quick Question: When somebody says that they want to change & you do see small steps of that happening. What do you do when they fall off track again & hit rock bottom. Do they want to change when they say it? Or are they just telling you what you want to hear? Do you believe them?

Quick Answer: That's a challenging question. Thanks for posting [insert brow furrow and hands rubbing together in anticipation].

Change is often compared to death. "Change or die" was one of the mottos floating around the hallways of my graduate school. It certainly applies to organizations as much as it does to organisms.

Essentially you are asking about the reasonability of trusting someone after that someone has indicated that sh/e wants to change but has an "opps, I did it again". Without more of the context of your question, it would be too difficult to weigh the factors of that person's intent when sh/e told you sh/e wanted to change. Whether or not you should believe that person is going to be based on a number of factors:

1) your own issues with trust

2) the person's recent "track history"

3) the level of violation involved with this person's "rock bottom" experience.

For example, if a chemically addicted individual tells me in session that she hasn't taken a drink or taken drugs for one year and I see that this is true, I will have a higher level of trust that this person wishes to change in the direction of staying clean and sober than if she had only been clean and sober for one week (track history). I also would assess my own history of trust -- in my case, I have had so many clients not tell the truth because it is so difficult to do so, I often assume that they hide the truth anyways (example of understanding my own issues with trust). If a person has a complex cycle of addiction, compulsion, or shame involved with the "rock bottom" experience, there is a high degree of violation involved that may play into whether or not the person can change without very intentional intervention in the change process.

If the change is more on the relational level or about elements of one's character or personality, change can be slow. It may make more sense to re-evaluate whatever timelines or expectations are involved. A messy person, for example, doesn't usually become a clean person overnight.

The person may be telling you not only what you want to hear, but also what sh/e wants or needs to hear about him or herself. We really do want to believe that we can do good, that we can be good, and that others will be pleased with us. This is a noble and beautiful thing, and the desire to change can be acknowledged. But I would encourage that person to take it one step further and identify the small and large steps that would bring that change to life. Wanting to change and actually changing are two different things.

Best of luck to you! Let me know if this post helped.

Why am I not losing weight?

Quick Question: I am a woman in my mid-thirties, and I have struggled with my weight pretty much as long as I can remember. I am about 60 pounds overweight for my height. About eight months ago, my fitness trainer put me on a strict diet that restricts my starchy carbs as well as over-all calories from fat and sugar. My intake is close to 1200 calories a day. After exercising four times a week and being on the most boring diet ever, not only am I hungry all the time, but I've lost less than 10 pounds. Why am I not losing weight?

Quick Answer: First of all, I commend you for your attempt to use diet and exercise first for a lifestyle change that normally should encourage weight loss. Weight loss is a more complicated field than most of us imagine. We can't simply abstain from food like one can from alcohol or cigarettes. We need food, and we need it regularly, in order to function efficiently and effectively.

From the get go, the diet you have been placed on sounds not only too restrictive, but unsustainable. Even if you were to achieve your weight loss goal, you would not be able to sustain this level of eating. Normally, you must actually eat more calories - and the right ones (fiber, protein, and good fats) -- to lose weight up to 3 - 5 pounds a week on average. Since you have lost less than ten pounds in eight months, I would hazard a guess that you have a problem with your metabolism. Find a doctor you trust, and run a battery of tests for everything from thyroid problems to Metabolic Syndrome. I am 99% sure that if you followed that restrictive diet for that length of time with little weight loss, something will come up in these tests to show you WHY. From there, a nutritionist will help you create a more sustainable diet. You may find your workouts to be more comfortable, and you may sleep better as well.

On the mental health side: there is a lot that goes on inside about food, eating, and appearance. My background is rooted in working with people with Eating Disorders and Eating Issues. I would recommend talking to a therapist with this kind of experience to help you determine what a healthy relationship with food and a realistic body size would be for you, if you haven't done that already.

Best of luck to you!

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